Why Can't I?

 For all my adult life 

All I ever really wanted 

Is to die.

A half a day ago

I swallowed certain death

I was close once

Something pulled me back

At least I read what happens

Hallucinations can really mess with you

And now I lay here 

struggling with the affects

Of...failed certain death.....

Trying to figure out Why. 

The only way I could have failed 

Would have been if I gave into

Nasaua and went the route of vomiting.

So then, why can't I die?

It's getting really annoying.

People all around 

Taking control.... Taking their lives.

If a soul is in a body and 

wants to go home so badly 

that it's ready to die 

rather than stay....

How unhappy that soul must be.

@s.vanderbilt 

Without a touch

My Intimacy Builder: gently running my hand across the man's face, then hold his cheek in my hand as I kiss him deeply and passionately 

Åway from you I was independent and strong. 

And in the beginning I still was comfortable havin' fun.

Then I learned to trust you. So, away we fly.

To your alternate person. (Personality)

This one doesn't touch. No cuddles to end the day.

Sleeping together and yet so far apart.

I'm drawn to this man that I can't touch.

Can't connect to on that intimate higher level.

What happened to the hugs and kisses...those longer ones that leave me feeling like I'm 18 again.

Or perhaps I'm just imagining it all...

It's everything  perfect. 

Life was meant to be lived...

                                 without a touch.

@s.vanderbilt fall 2022

Not who you see

 In this world of superficial

This world of impressions and make believe

The person you see, is never going to be me. 

My spirit screams to be free,

to smile at strangers, help those in need

drive fast and feel the energy of adrenaline.

I was born to LOVE deeply, purely and passionately

life... doesn't see the need for love in my life. 

doesn't say it's okay to smile at strangers.... 

Life saddens me. 

Robs my soul and causes it to ache.

 Life stops me from breathing....

@s.vanderbilt 2022