Why Can't I?

 For all my adult life 

All I ever really wanted 

Is to die.

A half a day ago

I swallowed certain death

I was close once

Something pulled me back

At least I read what happens

Hallucinations can really mess with you

And now I lay here 

struggling with the affects

Of...failed certain death.....

Trying to figure out Why. 

The only way I could have failed 

Would have been if I gave into

Nasaua and went the route of vomiting.

So then, why can't I die?

It's getting really annoying.

People all around 

Taking control.... Taking their lives.

If a soul is in a body and 

wants to go home so badly 

that it's ready to die 

rather than stay....

How unhappy that soul must be.

@s.vanderbilt 

Without a touch

My Intimacy Builder: gently running my hand across the man's face, then hold his cheek in my hand as I kiss him deeply and passionately 

Åway from you I was independent and strong. 

And in the beginning I still was comfortable havin' fun.

Then I learned to trust you. So, away we fly.

To your alternate person. (Personality)

This one doesn't touch. No cuddles to end the day.

Sleeping together and yet so far apart.

I'm drawn to this man that I can't touch.

Can't connect to on that intimate higher level.

What happened to the hugs and kisses...those longer ones that leave me feeling like I'm 18 again.

Or perhaps I'm just imagining it all...

It's everything  perfect. 

Life was meant to be lived...

                                 without a touch.

@s.vanderbilt fall 2022

Not who you see

 In this world of superficial

This world of impressions and make believe

The person you see, is never going to be me. 

My spirit screams to be free,

to smile at strangers, help those in need

drive fast and feel the energy of adrenaline.

I was born to LOVE deeply, purely and passionately

life... doesn't see the need for love in my life. 

doesn't say it's okay to smile at strangers.... 

Life saddens me. 

Robs my soul and causes it to ache.

 Life stops me from breathing....

@s.vanderbilt 2022

Chess anyone?

               The opening

Flirty and fun, lets see how you move.

It's really just about you getting to see me,

feel me, maybe even know me.... just a little. 

Thoughts start to wonder a little deeper...

You have captured my attention, and 

I certainly hope I captured yours. 

            The Middlegame

Well, this is about to get interesting...

I move, you move... casually but intentionally

We test each other.

There's room here for mistakes, blunders can still be made.

This is the learning time, 

this is when changes

still hold weight in the game. 

 This is... "before its too late."  

            The End Game

Truth be told, this is the climax.

The escalation of every decision made.

You've stuck it out, battled through,

disagreed and still now stand.

Time is all that matters now,

commitments have been made.

The very best I can hope.... 

Stalemate. 

@s.vanderbilt 9.6.2022

Tribes

We all have our own

Many sizes shapes and colors

My tribe is mine… my story builders

Reflections of my life.

Keepers of my lessons, morals and memories.

Sometimes tribes intertwine

Building bigger the tribes from which one came

Generation upon generation

But to all…the tribes are the same.

The ones who made the first memories

Captured the best moments of our youth

Wove use into who we would one day turn into.

Not all tribes are great, and from some

Members gladly walk away

But when the tribe is strong and solid

Distance can never fade the bonds

For a solid tribe will always be filled with

Loved Ones. 

Embrace each tribal moment

For one day it will be only there to reflect upon

Members move, members pass, life continues on. 

The whole world is filled with so many,

Each one living in their own world

Their own space, doing their own things

On any given day… the events that effect one

Most likely will not matter to another…. 

Embrace who you’ve been given, 

solitude isn’t that much better. 

@s.vanderbilt 7.13.2022

#tribe #familybonds #family

The Essence of Intuition

Never really knew, 

Just knew within

Always that silent simple feeling
So difficult to explain

Forever the feeling of being

Misunderstood 

Yet, struggled to explain 

My guiding force… something unseen. 

Placed into a situation

Where now it’s challenged

A proof required to make it true

How do you prove what has always

Just FELT wrong or right to you? 

Intuition; by definition “is the ability

To understand something without the

Need for conscious reasoning”

So then, why do the conscious thinkers

Struggle so much to accept that 

Intuition is real, intuition exists. 

It’s the gut feeling,

The unexplained essence of knowing

Knowing something’s not right or

Something wonderful is about to unfold.

For the intuitive person

It’s the driving force that guides

Guides the soul, the mind. 

Gives power to embrace

The Very essence of everything in life. 

And for those conscious thinkers… 

It will remain the unexplainable 

Essence of life that others live by. 

@s.vanderbilt 7.13.2022

#intuition 

Alibi

The mind. 

Such a beautiful and intricate creation.

When the heart and soul lie,
the mind is the biggest Alibi.

Yet, the thoughts and ideas that flood this space,
create also the vacancy.

As pieces lie scattered..

in tidbits all over, leaving only a trace.

These were created by

your Own hands, your Own words...

by You.

Where did the strength come from?
How was it that lies turned into lifes own song?

As secrets were being created..

So swiftly and delicately woven with sweetness.

Undermining the very beating of the heart.

The soul was the only connection to the thoughts of truth.

That should have been there from the start.

The soul was then...

Creating the Alibi

Or was it the Mind? 

The mind, that was overseeing the heart and souls 

Lie. 

For the mind has been the Alibi for so many of those, 

Carved, woven... enthralled into the very essence of being. 

And when the days are no longer numbered

and the heart fails to beat,

The mind stops it's thoughts... and the soul is set free. 

What Alibi will there be for the Lies? 

@s.vanderbilt

7-9-2022

Free of Love

 free again, 

that's where I am.

free of the oppression of LOVE

yes....

the oppression of LOVE. 

Love can be such a fairytale

a hope

a high 

a dream... 

it can blind the soul 

to only see the happy and yet...

it can suffocate the same.

so yes... FREE ... free again! 

to love me, love life, live free.

my happiness is contingent only upon ME. 

Love is a beautiful gift if shared... 

yet ironically... 

it's the knife that will destroy

the dagger that robs the mind of peace

steals the body of restful sleep

takes precious time and requires it elsewhere

I'm not against LOVE ... 

just against loving anyone more than 

ME :) 

@s.vanderbilt 1.10.2022 

Family

I follow the trail and find such interesting stories.
A history, a people who I am proud to have come from.
and yet, I was deprived of these people, this heritage, this lineage.
Why?
Because of family choices that I can never know, never understand.
And the same will come for the generations to come.

We, the adults in life.
We get to live the way we choose regardless of wrong or right.
Then one day, someday, one will come along and want an accounting.
Deserve an explanation to why they have been deprived of the family
Connections.

Who are they most like in life? When it isn't those around...
Won't they, Don't they? Deserve the understanding of their own worth?
The actual place in lineage of their own birth?

I have a heritage flowing through these veins...
People have impact on who I have become, not by nurture...
Nature dictates just the same.

Time and years have created a vast valley between me and those,
A distance that would never allow recognition...
And who's hurt the most?

@s.vanderbilt  2019

#heritage #familytree #whoamI #lineage 

The Dreams

For oh so long the dreams have held,
the hopes of where I'd someday dwell.

Staring at the everyday me, lost...
just imagining what life could be.

Now, shaken by lifes reality,
I sit in this place that I have created for me.

Yet, still... the dreams smother the essence.
Where is the freedom, the creativity?

What is it that from within binds me?
Confines me, to just the dreams...

Somewhere, someplace, chains were wrapped
wrapped around this soul...
and now...
Life as the dreams desire it...
Can't seem to take control.

Always held back by the invisible force
Restricted to living my best life...
within the confines of the mind.
Within the realms of the Dreams...

where everything becomes what it is
dreamt to be.

@s.vanderbilt

#self #limited #lifesstruggle #ambition

I Grew up last night

Went to sleep missing you
Missing us, thoughts of promises
Words that reality will never see

Then I closed my eyes and fell asleep.

As the day began, my load was lighter
It was then that I realized that you...
Were no longer the weight in my soul

As I slept.. My heart finally let go.

The mind erased everything, a safety move
Deleted the images, texts and things of you
Only a handful of items remain

Reminders of what we were - we weren't.

Did I grow bigger? Or have you just shrunk away?
Miles away from anything that might, wont ever have been
But I grew up last night...

And Today, I release the US to go... go our separate way.

@s.vanderbilt 2019

#letitgo #movingon

Really Love?

There was a time.
A place inside of me.
It was content. Happy with reality.

Then someone came and found a way,
Inside the deepest cracks life had made.
Fantasies have now filled my days.

What is love really?
It's a falling from the truth that we live on our own.
Becoming lost in a happiness we found when connected to another soul.

Then love becomes the self inflicted hurt.
Pain we create when fantasies fade.
Faulting the other when it's ourselves who choose.

We choose to stay, or we choose to react.
We choose to be content or even fight back.
Until one day we must choose is this love real enough to choose...
Or fantasy enough to just walk away.

s.vanderbilt
05.18.2019

Repeat the Hurt

Play me the fool
use me for you
keep me on standby because I stay close to you

Regardless of what you truly feel
Tell me what you feel I need
Just keep me here
Long enough
Strong enough to stay
stay and bleed

Hurt me again and again
and yet I still cling to a hope
a glimpse of a maybe

Such a fool
but I am a believer ...
in dreams come true..
in fairytale endings...
in happiness after the heartache.. heartbreak
after the mending.

And yet... once again the dagger is turning
teardrops are warming
mind is screaming all the bitter warnings....

as you Reap upon me ..
the Repeat of hurt.
that will cry me to sleep for...
a hope in the morning
that maybe just maybe
...
one day... some day...
the hurt will no longer ...
Repeat


@s.vanderbilt 8.5.2018